Now, what do you have for me?
We have rounded up all the people in Paris...
...with the name "You." - Finally, we are getting somewhere.
Read that back.
You may go.
You speak Chinese?
What, you don't think I speak Chinese?
If I don't speak Chinese, what are we doing here?
That must be funny around the water cooler.
"Oh, Inspector Clouseau does not speak Chinese.
Let's take him out for lunch. We will all speak Chinese.
He won't know what we are talking about."
Is that what you like to do? Is that funny?
Of course I speak Chinese.
Clouseau?
Bonjour, Nicole.
Could I see you in my office in a few minutes?
I'll be right with you, inspector.
Yes, inspector?
Nicole.
The weather has been so pleasant.
I was wondering if you think it's going to stay this mild.
I certainly hope so.
But do you think the weather...
...is going to change?
Let's keep our fingers crossed...
...that it stays this mild.
And here's another one for you!
Now let's see who you are.
It is "Inspector Dreyfus."
The intruder is obviously wearing a flesh mask.
But that will come off.
My face!
Maybe there is a seam under your hairline.
I'll just turn you around.
Are you feeling any better? I am so sorry, inspector.
Let's just forget it.
I thought I would stop by and let you know how we are doing on the case.
Oh, I'll just...
...stay back here. - Yes, of course.
I see you have one of these collapsible pointers.
So very useful.
It is so degrading to have to point with your finger...
...or one of those long wooden sticks...
...like you are some sort of primitive oaf.
But you have one of these, you just snap it open and you are ready to go.
The case. The case, Clouseau.
Yes, the case.
The case is going quite well. I have prepared a list of suspects.
And how many suspects do you have?
Twenty-seven thousand six hundred eighty-three.
It's just a matter of time now, isn't it?
- Have you eliminated any suspects? - Yes.
One.
One. And who would that be?
Gluant.
Gluant is the victim.
Excellent, inspector.
We think alike.
One clue leading inexorably to the next.
Just leave it.
I assure you, inspector...
...I will soon have your criminal cornered like a...
Like a... Like... Like a... Like...
Like something... Something that you... You corner.
- Well put. - I see you enjoy wordplay.
We will have to have lunch one day...
...and engage in a little verbal jousting.
I'm sure you're quite the raconteur.
Yes.
So I will call you for lunch.
There's only one item on the agenda of this committee:
To approve the list of nominees for our nation's highest award...
...the Medal of Honor.
The two nominees are...
...Charles Dreyfus...
No.
...and Sister Marie-Hugette...
...whose selfless concern for our nation's orphans...
...is an inspiration to us all.
I would like to add one more name for the committee's consideration.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau, the man who came here from a small village...
...to investigate the murder of Yves Gluant...
...who just last night captured the notorious Gas Mask Bandits.
Yes. Interesting idea.
- An average Frenchman. - Exactly.
Excellent idea.
All in favor?
How is it I was not informed of Clouseau's going to that casino?
- It was the middle of the night. - Oh, it was the middle of the night.
What, you did not want to wake me?
I want to know of Clouseau's whereabouts...
...every hour, 24 hours a day.
You miss one call, and I will have you kicked off the force.
- Do you understand? - Yes, sir.
Why are you not with him now?
- I'm here. - Get out.
- Clouseau. - Ponton.
Let's call it a day. I am tired.
I just wanted to see where you are with the investigation.
Good idea, Ponton. To let the subconscious mind...
...work on the case while we sleep. Now then, what are the facts?
Yves Gluant was found...
...at the international championship semifinal...
...with a poison dart in his neck. - The crime!
Bizu wanted to kill him, but is now himself dead.
A complication!
Gluant was siphoning off money...
...from Larocque. - A motive!
And close to the body was the singer, Xania.
Xania is not the killer.
But I suspect she knows more than she is telling me.
- Where is she now? - She left suddenly for New York.
We are going to have to follow her and find out what she is up to.
And if I am going to America...
...I am going to have to speak with a flawless American accent...
...so as not to arouse suspicion.
So find me the greatest accent coach in the world.
I would like to buy a hamburger.
I would like to buy...
...a hamburger.
No, no, no. Let's break it down.
I.
- I. - I.
- Would. - Would.
- Weird.
Would.
- Like. - Like.
- To. - To.
To.
- Buy. - Buy.
- Bee.
- Buy. - Bye-bye.
- A. - A.
Hamburger.
- Hamburger. - Hamburger.
I would like to buy a hamburger.
I would like to buy a damburger.
It's not "damburger." Hamburger.
I'm not saying "damburger." I said, "I would like to buy a damburger."
- I would like to buy a hamburger. - I would like to buy the hamburger.
- Hamburger. - I would like to buy a hamburger!
- Maybe we should stop. - We don't quit.
We do not quit. Again! Again!
- I would like to buy a hamburger. - I would like to buy a hamburger!
- I would like to buy a hamburger. - I would like to buy hamburger.
- I would like to buy a hamburger. - I would like to buy a hamburger.
- I would like to buy hamburger!
I would like to buy a hamburger.
- Have you ever had a hamburger? - Well, of course not.
It's a disgusting American food.
I never see you with women.
I'm married.
You don't wear a ring.
To protect her.
I'm afraid some villain might threaten her.
Yes.
Tell me about her.
I consider her the most beautiful woman in the world.
What about yourself?
No, I don't consider myself a beautiful woman.
I mean, is there a woman in your life?
Oh, no.
Love has not yet come my way.
How could Inspector Clouseau be with a simple woman?
She would have to be so extraordinary in order to keep up.
It's hard.
- What is? - For you to meet someone.
Oh, yes.
We have a big day tomorrow.
We will go to Xania's hotel and find out what she is up to.
- Good night, Ponton. - Good night, Clouseau.
- Good one. - Thank you.
I got her hotel phone records.
Xania made two phone calls...
...to a notorious black-market diamond cutter.
There she is! Newspapers!
Newspapers!
Floor 12.
I smell something fishy.
May I help you?
Good teamwork.
Stop! Stop whatever it is you are doing! You are defenseless!
We have already taken care of your thugs patrolling the building.
I don't have any thugs.
You don't?
Ponton, I think we owe those men an apology.
And what is it you are cutting?
Pink diamond. Clear.
- Clear? - It's not the Pink Panther.
And what are you doing here sneaking around?
This purse once belonged to Josephine Baker.
It was falling apart, so I had it studded with diamonds...
...to wear on-stage at the Presidential Ball.
Well, why did you just not tell me why you were coming?
I can't be seen at a diamond cutter.
Not after what happened.
That may be one of your mysterious clients now.
Hello?
Yes, I am the person in charge of the phone bill.
Well, I'm somewhat happy with my service.
Twelve months with that many minutes?
Plus free minutes per month?
Yes, sign me up. Yes, Jacques Clouseau...
...credit card number:
Yes? Yes, you may have my e-mail address.
DoctorKnockers@aol.com.
Well, I think I just got myself a pretty good deal.
- When are you leaving the city? - I'm leaving tomorrow. Yeah.
I may have to seduce her, Ponton, in order to get her to talk.
- Part of the job. - Talk about what?
I want to find out what time her plane is leaving in the morning.
- Why not just ask her? - Too obvious.
I may have to pump her for information.
- I see. - Inspector...
...would you like to join me for dinner at the Waldorf?
Certainly, mademoiselle.
Say, 8:00?
Eight o'clock.
Say, I don't know, my room on the second floor?
"I don't know, my room on the second floor."
I'll see you then.
It might be a trap.
Who cares?
Welcome to my room, inspector.
It is lovely weather we are having.
Oh, yes, baby. Oh, yes.
Why?
Why what?
Why were you being so elusive today?
I was afraid of Larocque.
- He might be following me. - Larocque? The casino owner?
He sent out word threatening to kill anyone...
...in possession of the Pink Panther.
He believes it belongs to him.
But why would he follow you?
I was in New York to see a diamond cutter.
He might draw the wrong conclusion.
You know...
...a man sitting here in your private suite...
...so close to you...
...might draw the wrong conclusion too.
Or the right one.
I've heard things about you, inspector.
What sort of things?
That you really know how to treat a woman.
Yes. Yes.
Let the games begin.
Let me just slip away.
Yes!
No! No, no! No, no!
My miracle pill for the middle-aged man.
Give it back.
Inspector?
- Are you all right in there? - I hope you're getting yourself ready.
Inspector? Are you sure you're okay in there?
Yes, I am. I'm fine. I'm just getting in the mood for love.
Well, hello.
We need fresh towels in 204.
Don't ask why, just do it.
You have the flight number. He leaves tomorrow out of JFK.
He'll be easy to spot. He's got white hair, a thin mustache...
...brimming with self-confidence and completely lost.
- Did you get the stuff? - Yes.
Good.
Give it to me. Airline food is for suckers.
I will smuggle this on. Just act cool.
- Hey, that's Xania! - Hello.
Hi. Yes, thank you.
I still think she is hiding something, Ponton.
What?
If I knew what she was hiding, then it wouldn't be hidden, would it?
- All right. Thank you. - One more! One more!
Okay, let's go. Next.
Nothing to declare.
- Come on through. - Hand check on two.
- This your bag, sir? - Yes, it is.
- We'll have to hand check it. - Go ahead. I have nothing to hide.
In my bag.
Come with me, sir.
Wait here, pal.
It's a harmless pocketknife.
It's a harmless pair of... Numchucks?
I don't... I don't even own a mace. I don't know where that came from.
I've never seen that stuff in my life.
Jimbo!
You don't need Jimbo.
- Jimbo, stay. - What's in your pocket, sir?
- Nothing. - Sir, I'll say again...
...what's in your pocket? - Nothing.
I'm gonna ask you again, what's in your pocket, sir?
All right.
I have, in my pocket...
...a couple of "hambwortsforts."
What?
I have in my pocket...
...a couple of "dolvargars."
Sir?
- Sir, in your pocket you have? - All right, I have four "hanholders."
I'm sorry. Once more.
Again!
- Sir... - Hey, what's that?
- Sir... Sir, I'm losing my patience. - Oh, you are?
- You are losing your patience? - Yes.
I'm simply telling you I have a couple of "tamburthers."
I've got an End darter down on six. I've got an End darter down on six!
- Locked and loaded, sir! - Show me your hands, sir!
All right, I'll just show you.
- No, no, no! Stay here, sir. - Sic him, W!
- Yes, that's him! - Inspector, what is a "damburgert"?
Inspector, how does it feel to have let down the nation?
So much for the heroic Inspector Clouseau.
Well, this is a glorious day for France.
How so, chief inspector?
Because a stupid idiot named Clouseau...
...is going to be stripped of his rank while I take over his case.
You have a second man named Clouseau?
My God. Leave us alone for a moment.
You, out. Go, go. Go. I must have a private word...
...with Inspector Clouseau.
Understand something, Clouseau.
When I made you an inspector, it was not because I thought...
...you had any value as a detective.
It was because I thought you were the stupidest policeman in all of France.
A hopeless, deluded idiot.
Then I was not promoted for my merits?
I only made you inspector because I needed someone...
...who would quietly get nowhere until I was ready...
...to take over the case myself.
I was trying to catch a killer.
You were trying...
You were trying to become a hero. Well, you will be stripped...
...of your rank, ridiculed by the media...
...and I will be done with you.
And now if you will excuse me, ex-inspector, I must go and prepare...
...for the arrest which will win me the Medal of Honor...
...catapult me to the National Assembly, and after that, who knows?
- Goodbye, Clouseau. - Shall we lock him up?
Look at him.
He is finished. Let him go home to obscurity.
You knew?
Ponton...
...things were not as I supposed they were.
And if I ever made you look foolish...
...I am sorry.
It was an honor serving under you, sir.
Good one.
The Internet.
Hello, old friend.
"To download your new cell-phone ringtone...
...press the button that says 'download."'
I take the mouse and I click, but do not drag...
...the button that says "download."
Gentlemen, and lady, good morning.
Meet Dr. Li How Pang.
He was, of course, in the VIP box when Gluant was killed.
Coincidentally, Dr. Pang would send Gluant large sums of money.
Presumably, Gluant was to invest these sums on Pang's behalf.
But being a compulsive gambler, Gluant took the money...
...and gambled it all away.
So Pang had the motive.
He had the opportunity.
Pang is in France for the president's ball tonight.
We will arrest him there for the murder of Yves Gluant.
Bravo, chief inspector.
I am pleased to announce that I am personally taking over...
... the Pink Panther investigation and that an arrest is imminent.
- Thank you. - Chief inspector...
... the coroner has announced that Bizu was killed...
... with a perfect shot to the occipital lobe. Any comments?
The occipital lobe?
It's irrelevant.
The occipital lobe.
That makes me feel good.
Zoom.
Of course.
Ponton, I need you over here immediately.
We are back on the case.
Nicole, I believe Bizu and Gluant were killed by the same person.
And that the killer will strike again tonight.
I want you to meet me at the presidential palace.
And bring my vinyl bag marked "presidential palace."
And hurry! Xania is in grave danger.
Ponton, we must get to the presidential palace immediately!
- Put your seat belt on. - I don't need a seat belt.
Let's see what this baby can do!
No. Clouseau should not be on this list.
He is no longer allowed at state affairs.
He has been disgraced and humiliated.
But what about all the reporters who will want to come in?
When the time is right, let them pour in.
Clouseau.
I'm sorry, but your name is not on the list.
Not on the list?
Dreyfus must have made sure you cannot get in.
Ponton.
- Chief inspector. - What?
- Inspector, here is your bag. - Good work, Nicole.
Our men have reported a sighting of Inspector Clouseau.
- What is that? - Camouflage. Let's go.
Clouseau?
- Nicole. - Yes?
I know what he's up to. He wants to try to make the arrest himself.
- One last thing. - Yes?
If you see Clouseau, put him in cuffs for trespassing...
...and parade him through the party.
It's evening...
I want all men on alert. Arrest him outside.
...and you look beautiful without your glasses.
Thank you, inspector.
Dr. Pang has arrived.
We will take him after the first song.
Yes, yes. Very true.
Good work, Ponton. We're in.
Look!
It's the killer! After him!
- Change outfits. - Stop! Turn around.
Who are you?
- What are you doing here? - We are... We are two... We are...
- I'll tell you exactly who we are. - Yes.
- We are... - I've been looking for you everywhere.
Where the hell have you been?
- You know these two? - Of course I know them.
They are Xania's backup dancers. They go on in the third act...
...with the Komodo dragon and the snow machine.
Why do you think they are dressed like that, for fun?
- Prove it. - We don't have to prove...
Can't you see these dancers are exhausted?
Go and fetch them some water.
That was fantastic.
- You think so? - You are...
...an amazing woman.
Inspector, the killer.
Now I am ready to catch a killer.
Stop!
Stop in the name of the law.
Get him!
- Bravo! - Bravo!
Ponton, you follow him that way. I'll go this way and cut him off.
Stop!
Turn around.
- You're under arre... - You are under arrest!
Ponton! After him!
Now.
Go, go!
Well, Dr. Pang. In the name of the statutes...
...and laws of the great nation of France...
...I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant.
Clouseau! Arrest him.
Which one is he?
That would be him.
In the name of the statutes and laws of the great nation of France...
...I arrest you for the murder of Yves Gluant.
Yuri, the trainer who trains.
And who are you?
I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Gluant was nothing!
I drew up the plays.
He takes credit for brilliant French defense which I gave him...
...and treats me like I'm dead. Fine. Now he is dead from Chinese poison.
Inspector, what made you think it was him?
But, Ponton, think back. You were there.
WHY DO YOU BOTHER ME?
WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE? I'M BUS Y.
THE COACH WAS KILLED WITH CHINESE POISON.
YOU SHOULD LOOK FOR SOCCER TRAINERS.
THE Y ARE REQUIRED TO HAVE A KNOWLEDGE OF CHINESE HERBS.
She was right, of course.
According to statute 87223, every trainer of the national soccer team...
...must have a knowledge of Chinese herbs.
This made it easy for him to murder Gluant.
- And Bizu? - Simple.
Bizu had often heard Yuri's rants against Gluant.
So Bizu blackmailed Yuri and got himself killed.
Oh, it's you.
A stunning shot to the head...
...burrowing deeply into the occipital lobe.
But Yuri is a soccer trainer.
That shot was made by an expert marksman.
Chief inspector, I'm sure you're familiar...
...with Russian army statute 611.
Well, of course.
All members must be...
...expert marksmen... - Expert marksmen.
...and understand the location of the occipital...
- Occipital lobe, of course. - Yes.
- Very true. - Yes, Yuri.
Xania is still alive.
But you hated her. And that's why you are trying to kill her.
You hated her because she went with Bizu and then Gluant...
...and treated you like you were nothing.
But you forgot a fundamental truth about women.
A woman is like a...
Is like a...
...artichoke.
You have to do a bit of work before you get to her heart.
What about the diamond? What about the Pink Panther?
Yes, thank you, Inspector Clouseau for carrying out my orders.
Hand over the diamond, Yuri.
What do I care about your stinking diamond?
He does not have the diamond.
The murderer does not have the diamond?
- No. - Well, then, where is it...
...Inspector Clouseau?
It is there! In her purse.
Let me see.
Sorry, Clouseau, no diamond.
The purse, please.
Could you hold that, please?
After Gluant came to me, he said he decided to stop cheating on me.
Then he asked me to marry him...
... and put the ring in my hands.
After he was killed, I thought...
...if I came forward with the ring, everyone would think I did it.
If Gluant gave you the ring before he died...
...then according to civil statute 812-914B, you are the rightful owner.
You may keep the Pink Panther.
But, inspector, how did you know she had it?
It was simple, Ponton.
I was looking at a photo of myself at the checkpoint.
Something caught my eye:
Xania's purse passing through the x-ray machine.
I enlarged the photo...
... and in it...
... the Pink Panther.
- The case is closed! - Bravo, Clouseau.
Bravo!
Clouseau! Clouseau! Clouseau! Clouseau!
I can't thank you enough for giving me...
...the opportunity to solve the Pink Panther murder.
Without your decision to put me on the case...
...who knows, someone else might've won the Medal of Honor this year.
Yes, I know.
I owe it all to you, chief inspector. Without you, I would be nothing.
- Perhaps you still are. - Excellent verbal joust, inspector.
You idiot! Oh, no.
- Hit it, Ponton. - No! Clouseau!
Stop the car. Dear...
What?
Nothing.
You didn't say:
"Stop the car. Dear God, I beg of you, stop the car"?
No.
Does it hurt?
What?
I can't understand you.
You know what, I think he wants to recline.
There's a lever right here.
Oh, it's on the other side, I'm sorry.
A bit of a reach. Wait a minute. I'll get it.
I'll get it right here.
Is right back here.
There must be a simpler way...
...of working this... Oh, there's a remote control...
...so that you can just...
It's sensitive! I hardly touched it! But it goes up...
That's it! That's it!
- You know, Ponton. - Yes, inspector.
This is a very hard time for Inspector Dreyfus.
It is important that we show compassion.
And we must use the gentle healing power of laughter.
This is going to hurt.
Clouseau!
That breeze feels good.